Down and Somewhere

I think we all grow up with this mean trick played on us by some childhood ghost. It whispers in our ear all our life that our father is perfect. He is our hero. He can do no wrong, and everything he says must be gospel, because he's Dad. I am one of a dwindling number of sons whose fathers stuck around and did well. I suppose that's all the more reason why I'm plagued by naive hope of reconciling differences with my father and agreeing to disagree on some things.

My dad is a very Godly man. He grew up under the tutelage of his mother, who was a very wise and loving woman - though she had her faults too, she was quite stubborn. I guess I've got the paternal side of the family to thank for that trait. But despite our transgressional heirlooms, he is a man that comes from a line of Godly men. According to Ezekiel though, that doesn't really matter, so I suppose I'll leave it alone. He and I simply disagree on many issues involving the church. This isn't so bad, we agree fully on many others. The problem is that I am - being his firstborn - compelled to be involved in most programs at the church, since he is the minister of music. I wouldn't mind, except that I have such a hard time dealing with the way music is run in the church, especially in the megachurch sort of venue (eek, should that word even apply to church?). My church may not be considered to be a megachurch by many, but if it isn't, it's certainly shopping for tickets to that ever-so-popular destination. I can't really worship God through music the way it's done there. It's not the style, it's the force behind it. It's the fact that people are there. And I've heard and I've preached that it's not about who's standing around you. Close your eyes. Don't think about the person standing next to you. Sing this to God. I am still stuck with remnants of self-consciousness most of the time, and there's nothing worshipful about self-consciousness. Worship is attributing worth to God through your actions and thoughts, not worrying about Are my hands up in the air? Should they be? Other people might think your too holy. You don't want to come off as too holy! What about halfway? What if people think there's something wrong, that I've got problems in my life? I don't want to tell them about my problems. Am I singing too loud? Not loud enough? If I sing the harmony, people will think I'm showing off, but I like the harmony. Am I worshipping well enough? Is what I'm doing worship? Maybe I'm not putting enough feeling into it. If I don't put feeling into it, is it not worship? Should I close my eyes? People will see. Are my actions leading others to worship God? I don't particularly feel like smiling, I had a crappy day and had an argument with my friend.

If none of these things go through your head, I want to know what drugs your on. Anyways, this coming Sunday is especially distasteful because it's Independence Day Sunday. So we're going to celebrate America. The whole thing usually makes me sick. I'm a very patriotic person when I look at certain things and read and remember certain things, but I hate being manipulated until I weep over something that is just an idea. And we usually celebrate an idea that was, not the reality that is America today. Besides, when problems are discussed, whether related to America or not, they are listened to attentively. They are nodded over and 'Amen'-ed over and people acknowledge their existence in droves, and then nothing changes. So, Kat and I decided we're going to go hiking early Sunday morning and skip out on the festivities (hiking is healthier for me than the mountain of food I would eat at the 4th of July potluck that will follow the service anyway, even though I love food).

Truly though, it's not really that my dad and I disagree on more than just what worship really is. Otherwise, I simply get disenfranchised by his inability to do anything about it, and his disappointment when I don't want to participate. I'm going to go help my wife do dishes.