So, Kat and I have good days and bad days with this job. Today, thankfully, was a good day. It's incredibly hard on her and me both to get about 8 out of 24 hours a day together, 7 of which is spent sleeping. I suppose the hardest part is that I feel nearly without purpose in this job, other than making money to pay bills. While paying off ones debts is certainly Biblical, I can't help but know that there's got to be more. It's difficult to say for me, because I sort of feel like I'm second-guessing God when I think this way. I have to remind myself that prophet after prophet second guessed God and was unhappy at some point. And also that there's not a formula for this life. This place in my life feels like a desert, and I'm trying to convince myself that throwing caution to the wind might not be the best solution. Of course, waiting around for something to happen certainly isn't better, and I feel like that's what we're doing, what with Kat having little to no luck finding a job for the fall and me despising the job I'm in. I keep thinking of Daniel, who God made successful in everything he did. As I recall, he was even brought out of prison to interpret the king's dreams. And Joseph, who was second only to pharaoh. I always wondered what Potiphar thought of that. Anyways, I find all sorts of reasons to keep my mouth shut when I could scream nails for the fact that this is not the place I want to be. And I know that I've heard and will hear every side of the argument from well-meaning people with no greater clue than I as to what God's idea of my life is. I want it written on the wall....except not. The only thing God every wrote on the wall was, "Your days are numbered. I'm sending the Persian army after you. Cry my a river." Besides, as Rich Mullins said, "God is a wild man." And if it was so easy, it seems like something would be lessened in that area of love and beauty and fury. Still, it's frustrating. I also prayed to get a job, and he certainly got me one. But I'm having a hard time feeling grateful.
All these reasons why I shouldn't complain though, I think they're invalid anyway. Job had what I would think is every right to complain, and yet when the heavens were opened to him, God said I'll question you. Certainly though, an audience with the Almighty would be the answer to everything, since it's more about presence, about I Am, about Amen. I can't wait for some door to open. I feel like I'm ready to kick one down. Thanks so much for reading, and I hope that this entry finds you well and prayerful and in wonder. Thanks for your prayers.