A Door Opens

Forgive my sarcastic title on the last post. I promise that this one won't sting as much. Kat and I visited a church this evening that greatly resembled most of the churches in which we've both grown up. After every visit, the car ride back home is full of conversation about what we liked or didn't, what we thought was Scriptural or not, the attitudes, the music, the preaching, and so forth. I don't really know what to consider in this sort of endeavor, as I've never been discipled on the subject. Thus, we're kind of making it up as we go along.

This time, though, Jared was with us. So we waited (a little uncomfortably, I might add, though no fault of Jared's) until we were alone to figure things out, and I realized something very important. Here's the deal: I've never been comfortable in a traditional church setting. Even growing up, as soon as I was able to begin to understand, my discomfort with the society of church meetings was always just below boiling. And I think it's because I've hardly ever let go of my inhibitions. What inhibitions, you ask? The boundaries that keep me from dancing in public. The lines that I don't cross and begin moving with the joy I feel, or that I would like to feel worshipping God. I think I stifle it to some degree, in order to not seem like a fool. I know that, when I'm alone in my house, I turn up the music and I dance. It certainly isn't a recognizable step according to the Ballroom Dancers of America or whatever, but it is certainly dance. I feel free when I do this, and I feel free when I'm playing a guitar or a bass. But sitting in a pew, among hundreds of people - or even twenty - makes me incredibly tense. Much as I hate to admit it, I'm concerned what others think of me. Every atom of my body conveys my preoccupation with it. So there, I've put that out there.

The times when I've felt the freest (discounting my times onstage playing backup instruments) are when I've been among only a few people in a home with an equal footing. The times when I've felt that I had a say in where the conversation went as much as the fellow who had been there for the past three years. I don't really know if I'll ever feel comfortable in a large corporate setting, but at least I've come to see a little clearer about myself. I hope it helps you, too.