I just finished a class on the Gospel hidden in the writings of Fyodor Dostoevsky (if you don't know him, check him out definitely). Kudos to Father Stephen Freeman (St. Anne's Orthodox Church) for teaching and the world-famous Kenny Woodhull (New City Cafe) for setting the whole thing up. One of the things it taught me, is that the approach to the Gospel and my salvation that I have learned in church all my life is really scary. Not that it was taught wrong, but maybe I've learned it wrong. It's scary because I find myself sort of like Mrs. Turpin in Flannery O'Conner's Revelation, watching the drunkards, swindlers, and prostitutes go up to Heaven ahead of me, because I am a loveless and prideful person. Blessed are the meek for they will inheret the earth. I guess the only thing I sort of have going for me is 'Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.' And I'm only hoping for that one, I'm not certain that I do. And there's another thing - I spend a lot of time (either consciously or unconsciously) worried about going to heaven, as if my salvation is nothing but a ticket to get in the door. It's not about that, it's not about walking down golden streets and mansions and pearly gates and stupid concepts that we've come up with because we don't have words to describe God's presence. I guess we're not supposed to, since He didn't give us those words. He simply said 'I am.' That's it, and sometimes, I feel like Moses should have gone "I am....what? That's it, no adjective?!" But God said 'I am.' And thus we have this thing we simply know and sometimes understand to a degree that can only be described as indescribable. Funny like that, huh...
I've written some new stuff, so check it out in the 'Hay in the Needlestack' section if you haven't already. And I've finished Name of the Rose (Umberto Eco), so if you want to borrow it, and you're close enough to not call long distance, sure, that's fine. Time to pick up another book, and I can't decide which one. This is a good problem to have. I wrote several bad checks the other day, and when they bounced, I felt absolutely terrible about them. Especially because I had to talk with my parents about it. But God reminded me that, you know, if that's your only problem Adam, you've got it pretty darn good. And He's right.
Tonight, I felt prideful as I was at New City watching a girl play who went before me. I felt pride creeping up on me, so I asked God to take it out of me. On the way back to school, I just simply had the hardest time dealing with how stupid I am and how I think way too much about everything and how I'm not perfect, and how can I 'be better' and so forth. And I didn't understand and I questioned God on how He could do me that way. So He then reminded me that I ASKED FOR IT! Moral of the story: If you're gonna pray for God to heal some part of your spirit that isn't right, don't think He won't do it, and quickly. Remember the guy with the lizard on his shoulder in The Great Divorce. I'm glad He answers prayers.
Talk to you later.
'I got junk I gotta get accomplished.' - Bill Thompson (Evan Higgenbothem)